April 16 2015
So I regularly attend this college group/bible study group on Thursday evenings. Life has been so crazy lately with school and working on my mental health that Ill admit I put it off for 3 weeks. Each Thursday when it would roll around I had an excuse as to why I couldn't go.. I was "too tired" or "had a lot of assignments due". But the truth behind it realistically is that I think I've been doing a bit of running from God. I think there's a part of me that is still holding onto a lot of pride and I wanted to do everything myself. I wanted the control and didn't want to have to put forth the effort to let Him have it. Besides, I didn't NEED God to handle my problems. I didn't NEED Him to fix me, I was capable on my own. Or was I? I put Him on my backburner with the idea that I could handle everything on my own and made a lot of other things priority over Him. But the last few weeks have been challenging. I've been faced with stress that has been met with blessing. My car broke down, and someone came and fixed it. I didn't have money for gas for school, and yet again, someone blessed me with that. Then today, my mom and I got news of a financial blessing that we had been waiting for since she became sick. So DESPITE all of my pushing and thinking that I was in control, GOD WAS STILL THERE THE ENTIRE TIME. Taking care of me. As he promised.
“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” – Phil 4:19
He will meet all our needs. Regardless of whether or not we are asking him. Though we all know about the scripture that says "ask and it will be given to you", He will continue to do what is right for us. See the lesson I am learning is that God will always be there for us, even in the times when we don't always ask him to be. I've done a lot of running recently and it hasn't all been bad. I've run from a problem and ignored it and then had friends who were there to make sure I got the help I needed to be. I've run to mental health and am running from the bad habits I started years ago. I've run straight into treatment and counseling and away from the old ways I used to deal with my emotions. I've run into the arms of loving friends and family when nothing was going right and all I could do was cry and tears wouldn't stop coming. So God knew all along what I needed, and he also knew that while I may have been attempting to run away from Him, he knew that I would be back. Which brings me back to tonight, at Fuse (bible study/college group).
Tonight after receiving great news from my mother I decided that God was working for us and that it was time to get back to where He wanted me. So when I arrived it felt like going home at Christmas. Being back with friends who were like family and just getting hugs and catching up, my heart was happy. We had a guest speaker whom I have never met but bad heard good things about. At the end of the night He gave opportunity for those who wanted to be filled with the holy spirit to come up. I hesitated at first but there was a deep feeling in my gut that told me to go up.So I did. As I stood and waited in line as people were getting filled and being told great things, I questioned in my mind if going to the front was the right decision. I told myself things like "maybe I am not qualified for this, maybe I should go sit down". But my feet literally would not move. As much as I wanted to turn back, something kept me up there. When he came to me he prayed over me and said to me that I had spent many nights in the fetal position crying and that my emotions were great. and that God wanted to take that away. (He even got a vision and was able to tell me that my bed was full sized and that I would lay on the left side facing the wall) Crazy right!!! (Keep in mind I HAVE NEVER MET THIS MAN!!). That is when I knew God was real again in a sense. He told me that God saw me and that he was taking away the emotional pain I had been feeling. It was if a weight had been lifted. I began to cry and I felt for the first time in a while. He told me that he saw me writing and that I would write a book and that my penmanship would be changing and that people would know me and I would help them as well. We broke off any form of depression and stated that I would wake up with a new look each day.
With everything he knew about all he said to me is how I KNOW deep down that IT WAS GOD! The funny thing is that the speaker did not know that 2 days prior to his word over me tonight, I started this blog ( The speaker said to me this evening that I start writing, so I'm 2 days ahead). Also, the fact that it has been an extremely emotional week that I had spent crying in my bed, just as he described. God has been working all these times. It makes me so excited. I wasn't as invisible as I was trying to make myself be.
Another really cool confirmation that happened tonight was at the end I went up to speak with the speaker to thank him and to tell him that I had already started writing. He thought it was awesome and then he asked what I was in school for and when I told him Social Work he seemed intrigued. He asked exactly what population or area I was interested in working with. When I mentioned to him that I was leaning toward the clinical side and working with Mental Illness, he looked at me. He told me that he had heard that but didn't say it out loud. Yet another confirmation that I AM WHERE IM SUPPOSED TO BE. and WHERE GOD WANTS ME TO BE.
There is a sense of clarity in my brain that has not been there in a while. There is a sense of renewed hope deep down in my soul that has felt lost and dormant for a while. There is a feeling of purpose within me yet again that makes me want to push myself harder in my academic studies.
I am very excited on embarking on this next chapter of my life. I am celebrating that each time something is met, there is room for something else to bloom. I celebrate the fact that GOD HAS GOT ME! Even when I often feel that he doesn't see me.
Let me be very clear about something: GOD SEES ME. GOD SEES YOU. GOD LOVES YOU AND HAS A PLAN FOR YOU! As much as we try to hide from Him, his destiny for you remains stable.
I will leave you with this: Seek him out and don't be afraid to tell him what you need. He hears you, even if your voice is shaking..
-Megan-
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