So its been a while since I've posted (almost a month) and while I'd like to say that its due to being busy with school or some other awesome reason but that would be a lie. While it is true that school kept me busy and finals came and went, I stopped writing because I've been battling a lot with my depression and honestly for a while lost the desire to even attempt to admit that I have words in my brain dying to escape me. I have gone back and forth on whether or not to tell my story. After all I was raised knowing that sometimes things don't need to be broadcast to the world. But I feel deep down in my heart that my story is important and that it has the ability to impact others and maybe bring some hope into someone's life. While I wont delve into everything right now, I think I'll at least get started.
So it's no secret that I struggle with depression. I was diagnosed in 2010 but really looking back its been going on for quite some time, at least through high school. But back then I had no idea why I felt sad all the time. This led to internalizing a lot of feelings and becoming very self destructive. I began to engage in self harm which was my way of staying in control and what led to me finally seeking help for it was one Sunday after church when I had a complete meltdown and did not know my purpose any more. I felt numb and completely down. I had entered full blown self destruct mode and I didn't care to come out of it. Fortunately I have an amazing group of friends who surrounded me in that time and made my pastors aware and they prayed for me and I sought help for feelings that even I didn't understand. It has been a crazy 5 years of trying different meds and doses and some judgment from some who didn't really understand depression that didn't understand why I was on medication. Thus started the debate of "having enough faith to will it away". This was hard for me. I was still secretly self harming and trying to control the chaos that was my brain (For a long time I was very ashamed about this part of my story but I've learned its just a stepping stone to the path of where I am today). What began as an attempt to control the numbness in my life soon became a full fledged addiction. This cycle continued until about 3 months ago (Ill save that topic for tomorrow!!!!!)
I am a firm believer that whatever we face, God can turn it around for us to use somehow. Whether it is to help ourselves learn something or to be able to help others, He will use it somehow. See for a long time I did not understand that. I didn't realize that God was there for us in good and bad. I always assumed that when good things happened he would be there for us but totally voided him through the bad. Which is not the case at all. As much as I get in a slump of depression sometimes, somehow God always manages to meet me on my level, however low that may be.
Deuteronomy 31:6 says that "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” I don't think that verse discriminates and means that He will never leave us or forsake us AS LONG AS we do everything that's right and never sin. No, it says he will NEVER leave us or forsake us. There is no fine print in there with terms and conditions. We do not have to perform in any way for God to be there for us or to meet us in our down times. Our debt, anything that we do, has already been paid in full by his son who died for us and all that we could ever or will ever do while here on earth. That is so beautiful to me. Oh what honor to know that someone would do that for us even knowing what sins we would commit.
So what does this mean for me? It means that no matter what I get myself into, no matter how much I try, I cannot hide from God because of the promise that he will never leave me. No matter what kind of mood, no matter what I do, no matter how much I push away, he is always going to be there.
So what does this mean for you?? Everything I mentioned above. Plus the reminder that there is always hope!
Because along the way that's what everyone has reminded me along my way. No matter what you are facing, no matter how bleak it seems. There is always hope.
" Be comforted, dear soul! There is always light behind the clouds." -Louisa May Alcott-
So no matter how hard life seems, no matter what you are facing, no matter what your own addictions were or are or will be; Never, ever, ever forget that God hears you when you cry... even if your voice is shaking.
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