As I was listening to my Pandora the other morning (in my ritualistic musical state) a song by Kelly Clarkson came on. Its a song called Sober. I remember listening to this song in high school and it had some really powerful words to it. When you listen to the whole song there's a line that says "3 months, and I'm still sober"... That struck a major cord in my heart and prompted me to really think on some things that have happened and what sober could mean.
One line. 2 words. God had my heart again.... the words "3 months..." struck that cord and I knew where my next post had to go.
The truth and backstory of this prompted thinking comes from an event that happened a little over 3 months ago. I had a horrible event happen to me that I feel has really has shaped the path to where I am going to day. I say going because its a process of healing an odyssey that I am still embarked on. What I am about to say I do not say lightly. In February, I was sexually assaulted in my home. It was an event that shook my core, everything in my being, and though it wasn't the first time this has happened. This was the first time that I decided enough was enough and to report it. I do not need to go into the details but the whole process is traumatizing. Retelling the event to police, reliving every detail and moment so they can take a statement. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I remember days later regretting calling the police as soon as I did it because now this issue that I had been hiding from for a while wouldn't go away. I had taken the necessary steps to find this guy and get him off the streets so why did I feel so awful. The day after the assault I remember feeling numb and turning to self harm to try and find some control and feeling. While this is an issue I have struggled with for about 8 years, this time was worse than I had ever been before but for some reason every inch of me didn't care. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I was ignoring my friends and family. 3 days later ( I remember it because it was Valentines Day) I had become so numb that I honesty had no will or care if I lived or died. I took stupid chances and was gambling with fate. I started drinking, took various and excessive amounts of different pills, and curled myself up on the couch with my fathers urn and some sad music. I had ignored my friends texts the entire day, took myself off Facebook, and just stopped responding. But I have AMAZING friends who know better than to leave me alone. They came knocking on my door and much to my pleading for them to leave, they let themselves in (because I had given them keys to my house; a choice at the moment I regretted but am now thankful for). Realizing that I was in a bad shape and out of immense concern they called 911 (which at the time I expressed deeply how much I hated them for) but as much as I begged and pleaded for them to not do it and tell them how much I hated them they assured me that they didn't care. They were doing this because they loved me (something I am very thankful for now). I felt out of control again. The next 4-6 hours were spent in an array of places. Ambulance, ER department then to the Psychiatric ER department (also known as the 10th floor of JPS). I kept telling myself I didn't belong there. This was for people with problems and I was NOT one of those people. What I did not realize at the time was that people go there for a variety of reasons and it was there to keep me safe. I was fortunate to be stable enough to be able to sit in the lobby with my friends away from locked doors and still with a small sense of freedom. They assured me they were not going to leave me and that they really did care. It was decided at the end of the night that I was ok to go home but it was with high recommendation that I go to JPS partial hospitalization or Intensive outpatient program. I brushed it off and said I would look into it but really I had no plans whatsoever to follow through. All I knew was that I wanted to walk out those doors with my freedom and I would have said anything to assure that would happen.
This all went down on a Saturday and by Monday morning, as I was back in my school routine, I got a call from the program asking if I was coming. I tried to find every excuse as to why I couldn't but they said I should at least come in for an intake anyway. This is where my healing story began.
Here's where I start to incorporate the song starting with the title. "Sober" is something a lot of people associate with drunkenness. But honestly if we think about it sobriety can deal with many things and is not limited to drugs and alcohol. By definition sober is the absence of drunkenness. Sobriety in this context is focused on freedom from self destruction, freedom from shutting out those who love me, freedom from hurting myself and freedom from the destructive thought patterns I frequently engaged in. Sobriety is not allowing myself to shut down. It is focusing on recovery and remaining hopeful.
"I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me"
This is completely how I felt. It wasn't real that I needed help until all of this occurred. It wasn't until I was sitting on the 10th floor just shy of being committed that I realized that I finally needed give up the façade that I was ok and quit pretending that I was all together. I had to reach this place of rock bottom to realize that I could no longer make it to the top on my own and that I needed help that was beyond the amazing support my friends could give me (while they were awesome at standing by me through all of this, even they knew that this was beyond them). So I went to the intake for the Intensive Outpatient Program. I remember walking in the room and feeling like I wanted to disappear. I couldn't believe that I had reached this point.
So there I went with all my fears weighing on me just like the song said. For lengths sake, I will say this. The IOP was a 2 week program. I started with the intention of doing my 2 weeks and getting the heck out of dodge. God had other plans. I stayed for 6 (COUNT THEM 123456) 6 weeks! triple the time I had originally intended. For some reason I look back on this and laugh.
"I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing I wanna get it right
No comparing
Second guessing
No, not this time"
Those 6 weeks were the hardest, rawest, most honest times that I have ever had to be with myself. I tried to be invisible but they wouldn't let me. I met amazing people, learned amazing lessons, and found my true calling. I found the beginning of who I am (though I'm still working on that today). When I was in treatment it was as if all of time stood still and I never wanted to leave or for time to resume. I wanted to stay in that moment of healing and encouragement forever. But as my time came to a close, I was asked by the psych techs to write out my recovery story and on graduation day to present that story to the group ( I was the first to do this ever as they were trying to implement new things). I felt honored. I felt scared. For the first time in a long time I felt perfectly OK! So all went as it was supposed to and tears were shed, certificates given and a sense of accomplishment and healing began. The end of that road came and the beginning of a new one was beginning. I learned a lot in treatment and the daily motion of life was that I had to continue with what I learned.
Flash forward to now. 3 months later from that initial date of breakdown. There have been good moments and there have been hard ones. But the amount of love and support I have received from family and friends has been HUGE. I got support from my Professors at school (who allowed me a week off to even be in treatment) and who told me that if I needed to talk they were there. I began counseling at my schools center so that I could remain focused on my recovery goals.
"Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no
Wake up
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am"
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am"
Yes it has been 3 months and I am still standing here and honestly I am getting better. I love the last part that says "and I still am".
I am still here and I am still breathing. THANK GOD! I owe many thanks to my friends who refused to let me sink and just let go. Who would go to whatever lengths to make sure I was safe. They kept me afloat until they could get me to the shore. I am blessed. I owe thanks to my pastor and other church member who accompanied me to the hospital and provided me a place to stay the night after. Who assured me that I was safe and that didn't make me face it all alone. I owe many thanks. To my best friends Candace and Kristina for doing what they had to so that I could still be here today. My two buoys who kept me afloat in an ocean that I was slowly drowning in! Thank you to the others who have stood beside me from my sister to my mother (when I let them in). Thanks to my counselors, the social worker and techs and nurses at the IOP/PHPprogram. I owe many thanks and have much gratitude for all I've learned and for the skills been given.
"Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers"
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers"
I hope this was ok. I am learning to be open. I am learning that vulnerability isn't always a bad thing. I am sharing my story because I know that one day it will help someone else in the same situation.
If you need help ask for it. Do not shut out those who care deeply about you. Know that you are worthy and deserving of every bit of help that you need.
I've posted the link to the song below because it is deeply inspiring to me. Some may be deterred by the title, but I encourage you all to find meaning BEYOND titles. Look deeper. and remember recovery is possible and help is out there and YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!
Kelly Clarkson "Sober"
https://youtu.be/FoodthPrVNc
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