Be Gentle with yourself...

 I like to think of ourselves as a package. As human beings we are this package that was prepared (for about 9 months)  and put together by our heavenly father and then one day we were "delivered" (see the pun??? Funny huh? ) and we became someone else's gift.  If you have ever received a gift from someone then you should know that when we get these packages they often can come with labels that say Fragile, do not shake or handle with care. IF you have ever received one of the packages in life then you know that if there is a sticker with the word FRAGILE on it or handle with care then you probably should NOT take that package and throw it as hard as you can across a room. As you know that something inside could be breakable or is extremely fragile and needs to be handled with a certain delicacy. This is where I like to think of myself as a package sometimes. Life is a daily process and when situations arise in my life, I do not always handle them in a calm and peaceful way (which may come as a shock to some of you who see me at church with this calm laid back soft spoken persona or attitude). But I'm not always the nicest person to myself (my best friends and family would agree to tell you that) and when life throws me situations I tend get really stressed out and overwhelmed very quickly  and I easily forget to bring God into it the situation. So I will often times take myself and mentally and emotionally throw myself across the room to try and remedy the situation. Now you may be saying "what does that even mean? How can you "throw" yourself across a room". Well, its not as hard as it seems. This can come in the form of taking on a lot of extra tasks so I don't have to deal with the immediate problem in front of me or focusing all my attention on other people in a manner of deflecting so that I don't work on myself. OR  it could be a representation of the way I treat myself, that being with my words and my body. Some of you know that I have struggled off and on for years with an eating disorder and it would be this cycle that would seem that "oh today is a good day or Oh something is up". It is ultimately a real reflection of whatever stressors were/are going on in my life at the time and a major struggle for control. Sometimes it would be quieter and I could really enjoy myself and took care of my body and other times the disorder and stress  were concurrently screaming so loud that I would put my own health at risk just to gain some sense of control over whatever I was facing at the time. It would kind of "fix" whatever was going on. That's where I was failing the concept of being gentle with myself. This kind of concept actually came up in my 6 week participation in treatment.  I had never really heard or embraced the concept of being gentle with myself. That sounded like something that was for weaklings and I didn't want any part of it!  I needed strength and control and power. I think that as women we are often conditioned to be kind of superheroes at times but yet we "live in a mans world" and are not often seen as strong (which is why I believe I fought this concept so much at first). We have a lot of responsibilities but all the while we have a reputation of compassion and gentleness to uphold and while those are great qualities they aren't always the easiest to possess. As women we are often so hard on ourselves. We wake up and think "OH MY GOSH, my hair is a mess!" " I gained ten pounds"  or on a more personal level "oh I failed that test, or I didn't get into this program or I didn't get this job" so "SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!" OR my favorite " I AM UTTERLY AND IRREVERSABLY FLAWED AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME OR ACCEPT ME SO I SHOULD JUST COMPLETELY GIVE UP NOW!!!!!!! (Ok ok maybe that was a bit dramatic but honestly  it has come through my mind verbatim before).  There is a skill (and I say skill because it takes practice, ALOT of practice) that Janelle Montgomery (a very nice woman and friend)  aught me and it is the concept of challenging the negative beliefs that come to our mind and replacing them with truth. Now I am not sure of where she got it from (though I know she has told me) but it has been a life changer. It would look something like this to me: So you failed a test, maybe nothing is wrong with you at all. Maybe it was as simple as the fact that it was just a really hard test.  OR  lets go with the scenario of not getting a job. Maybe (probably) that is not where God has called you to be and that is why you did not receive the offer for that company. Does that make sense? it is actually quite easy but when you're in the moment can be tricky. Which is why it is best to practice it daily!  We have this tendency to take blame for everything on ourselves and the minute something goes wrong we default to criticizing ourselves or going onto the I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that" train.  I wonder why that is? (on a side note, the word "should" when used as above will 99.9% of the time induce guilt and shame, which is why it is important to think of the way we speak to and about ourselves because we could be making ourselves feel bad and not even realize it).

     So back to being gentle with ourselves. God knew when he created us that we were going to make mistakes and that we would slip up and fall and  he still chose to not have us be perfect and I think that is what is beautiful about our story and lives. The fact that he never called us to live in perfection but yet we are given so much grace.  He knew from Adam that we would be humans who sinned and would be flawed with our own issues. Which is why I encourage you that whatever you do, whatever slip up you make, please  be gentle with yourself and forgive yourself because He has already done that. So despite what it was that you did, give yourself a break and remember to be gentle with yourself in whatever battle you are facing. This life is definitely not an easy one and sometimes it can be really hard. I have people telling me all the time that they are really surprised to see me doing so well with everything that happened this year. From multiple rapes, to losing my father, the decline in my mothers health that ended with the loss of BOTH of her legs, and finally to ending up in treatment for 6 weeks because I was no longer able to keep up the façade that everything was peachy.  When I get these kinds of positive messages I thank them for their words  but I also will remind them that I haven't always had this resilience or strength be so present in my life. There were days (and  there still are days) that it was really really hard and I sometimes made bad decisions in handling those emotions. But once I grasped the concept of gentleness towards myself it got easier. I think we are in such a fast paced society that quick fixes are the norm  and so often times we forget that healing and gentleness will take time. I have a process each day. When I start to feel overwhelmed or like I am just going through the motions or if something happens I will check in with myself. I will stop what I am doing, go to my quiet place and just check in and say "hey, this is what we are feeling, what is going on that can contribute and then I say ok God is there anything you are trying to show me?"  OR if I am really upset I will stop and say "God, I need you in this moment. I am giving this to you and refuse to go inward. I know you are in my life and in this season so here's where I surrender control". Is it easy? NO WAY. Are there days when I just want to have my temper tantrum/pity party and never leave my room. ABSOLUTELY. But it doesn't solve anything. But I allow myself to be in the moment and have the feelings I have and I don't try to invalidate them. Because feelings are valid. There is a reason God gave us a frontal lobe to deal with emotions. There is a reason for everything. So I allow myself to cry or scream if I need to because I know that is my body's natural reaction to a stressor (within reason Im not saying go out and key a car because your mind says you are P-d off). But I choose to not stay in that moment forever.
     Another part of being gentle with yourself is this lovely thing called self care. (I fought this for a long time). Self care is knowing your limits and boundaries and doing what is best for YOU. Yep
Y. O. U.    Not your neighbor, not your mom, your uncle or grandmother from the other side of the family that never ever calls but all of a sudden needs you or she will just vanish from the face of the earth. Yourself. If that means that you need to just take an hour to be by yourself soaking in a hot bath listening to rock music then do it. If that means that you need to go to more meetings at church or join a support group then that's your plan OR if that means that you need to ask for help professionally (even if its at a hospital) because you just don't know where to go anymore then please do. Self care and taking care of you is by far one of the most UNselfish things you could do. ( I don't care what anyone else tells you!!!!)  Some people may not understand that or agree with me but it is the highest of highest of truths (counselor and scientist approved- I will link it below!). Because in reality if you don't take care of you, you cannot be there for others.

REMEMBER THIS: Being gentle with yourself needs to be a shiny tool in your toolbox and treating yourself with respect and kindness can never hurt.

Taking care of yourself with positive self care is essential (Ive included an AMAZING link below)

http://gentlelivingonline.com/self-growth/25-self-care-tips-for-the-body-soul/


This link is great with some self care stress reducers and I will say that #1 - progressive relaxation- is definitely a favorite of mine! It sounds silly but it is actually wonderful!!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/17/reduce-stress-research_n_2884876.html

Final thought: Being gentle with ourselves wont always be easy, but it makes life much more enjoyable.  So when you begin to find yourself stressed out, I encourage you to find at least 3 positive things to say to yourself (OUT LOUD!!!!) ...even if your voice is shaking.

                       Always,
                           Megan Cheri'