Its been a while but I feel like I cannot let this year end without clarifying a few things up. A lot has happened since I last blogged with you all. I think I ended last time around May so its been a good 7 months. My life has been super busy. Over the summer I got blessed with a new job around the middle of July and I am happy to say that I have been there for 5 months now? So that is exciting. It is definitely different being in a work environment that is basically a mans world (car dealership). But our little office of 4 women is holding strong and holding our own. I can say that I love my job in all of its stressful and chaotic moments sometimes. After holding down this job I also embarked on working on top of it. Something I've never really had to schedule before. I wont say that the last semester was easy because it was far from it. A lot happened this semester. Some good and some tough but I made it through. I ended the semester with some pretty good grades and a clearer path on where I'm headed. I changed my degree plan (AGAIN and for the final time) and finally got a graduation date. So that's all the updates of what has gone on for the last 7 months!
So now I can get onto the real purpose of this post. I'm not a feminist and I'm not trying to bash men. But I'm not a real fan of ignorance. There was a conversation that I was made aware of today that just hasn't set well with my soul and it is something that I need to make clear to everyone. This conversation that took place went something along the lines of how provocative people dress today and yes it was by a gender the complete opposite of mine. ok fine, it was a man, or a very ignorant grown up I guess. So what exactly was the comment that kind of makes my blood boil? This comment said something along the lines of "the way some girls dress provocatively today is just asking to be raped". Now thank the Lord that I wasn't in the direct conversation that was had when this comment was made because I don't know that I would be able to professionally filter my thoughts on the matter. Not in the sense of vulgarity but in the sense more of being passionate as an advocate against such ignorance. So my take on that comment is as follows:
First of all, let me make something very clear: NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING makes rape ok. I don't care if someone is dressed provocatively, or prancing around the streets naked, it definitely does not mean that anyone is asking to be raped. Boys, girls, men ,women NO ONE deserves that. No amount of clothing or lack thereof justifies such a horrendous act. As someone who has been on the other side I can assure you that no one would ever ask for that. Rape is a huge violation and such ignorance from people sometimes cuts just as deep as the initial violation.
What people fail to understand sometimes is that this isn't something that just happens to you physically. It takes a toll on your emotions, it makes you question you spirituality. It affects every ounce of your being. Now that being said, that doesn't mean that you cant heal from it but it takes a village. For something that is so taboo to talk about or to even report in the first place, finding that village can sometimes be a challenge. So when you have people on the outside who blatantly judge people they don't even know to begin with it is hard.
I did not write this to gain sympathy. I did not write this to bash anybody. I hope that in writing this that somehow, some way maybe we can stop this stigma that clothing substitutes consent. Stop the stigma that a girl in skin tight clothing, or a slightly exposed boobs means that she wants you to bring physical turmoil and complete destruction to her soul. (sounds dramatic but that's what it feels like).
So the next time that someone says that she somehow asked for it because of her clothing, help be her voice and explain that this is simply not how it works.
That's all for now. I'm going to try and be more proactive on keeping this going as I have many thoughts floating in my head :) love to you all!
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Be Gentle with yourself...
I like to think of ourselves as a package. As human beings we are this package that was prepared (for about 9 months) and put together by our heavenly father and then one day we were "delivered" (see the pun??? Funny huh? ) and we became someone else's gift. If you have ever received a gift from someone then you should know that when we get these packages they often can come with labels that say Fragile, do not shake or handle with care. IF you have ever received one of the packages in life then you know that if there is a sticker with the word FRAGILE on it or handle with care then you probably should NOT take that package and throw it as hard as you can across a room. As you know that something inside could be breakable or is extremely fragile and needs to be handled with a certain delicacy. This is where I like to think of myself as a package sometimes. Life is a daily process and when situations arise in my life, I do not always handle them in a calm and peaceful way (which may come as a shock to some of you who see me at church with this calm laid back soft spoken persona or attitude). But I'm not always the nicest person to myself (my best friends and family would agree to tell you that) and when life throws me situations I tend get really stressed out and overwhelmed very quickly and I easily forget to bring God into it the situation. So I will often times take myself and mentally and emotionally throw myself across the room to try and remedy the situation. Now you may be saying "what does that even mean? How can you "throw" yourself across a room". Well, its not as hard as it seems. This can come in the form of taking on a lot of extra tasks so I don't have to deal with the immediate problem in front of me or focusing all my attention on other people in a manner of deflecting so that I don't work on myself. OR it could be a representation of the way I treat myself, that being with my words and my body. Some of you know that I have struggled off and on for years with an eating disorder and it would be this cycle that would seem that "oh today is a good day or Oh something is up". It is ultimately a real reflection of whatever stressors were/are going on in my life at the time and a major struggle for control. Sometimes it would be quieter and I could really enjoy myself and took care of my body and other times the disorder and stress were concurrently screaming so loud that I would put my own health at risk just to gain some sense of control over whatever I was facing at the time. It would kind of "fix" whatever was going on. That's where I was failing the concept of being gentle with myself. This kind of concept actually came up in my 6 week participation in treatment. I had never really heard or embraced the concept of being gentle with myself. That sounded like something that was for weaklings and I didn't want any part of it! I needed strength and control and power. I think that as women we are often conditioned to be kind of superheroes at times but yet we "live in a mans world" and are not often seen as strong (which is why I believe I fought this concept so much at first). We have a lot of responsibilities but all the while we have a reputation of compassion and gentleness to uphold and while those are great qualities they aren't always the easiest to possess. As women we are often so hard on ourselves. We wake up and think "OH MY GOSH, my hair is a mess!" " I gained ten pounds" or on a more personal level "oh I failed that test, or I didn't get into this program or I didn't get this job" so "SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!" OR my favorite " I AM UTTERLY AND IRREVERSABLY FLAWED AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME OR ACCEPT ME SO I SHOULD JUST COMPLETELY GIVE UP NOW!!!!!!! (Ok ok maybe that was a bit dramatic but honestly it has come through my mind verbatim before). There is a skill (and I say skill because it takes practice, ALOT of practice) that Janelle Montgomery (a very nice woman and friend) aught me and it is the concept of challenging the negative beliefs that come to our mind and replacing them with truth. Now I am not sure of where she got it from (though I know she has told me) but it has been a life changer. It would look something like this to me: So you failed a test, maybe nothing is wrong with you at all. Maybe it was as simple as the fact that it was just a really hard test. OR lets go with the scenario of not getting a job. Maybe (probably) that is not where God has called you to be and that is why you did not receive the offer for that company. Does that make sense? it is actually quite easy but when you're in the moment can be tricky. Which is why it is best to practice it daily! We have this tendency to take blame for everything on ourselves and the minute something goes wrong we default to criticizing ourselves or going onto the I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that" train. I wonder why that is? (on a side note, the word "should" when used as above will 99.9% of the time induce guilt and shame, which is why it is important to think of the way we speak to and about ourselves because we could be making ourselves feel bad and not even realize it).
So back to being gentle with ourselves. God knew when he created us that we were going to make mistakes and that we would slip up and fall and he still chose to not have us be perfect and I think that is what is beautiful about our story and lives. The fact that he never called us to live in perfection but yet we are given so much grace. He knew from Adam that we would be humans who sinned and would be flawed with our own issues. Which is why I encourage you that whatever you do, whatever slip up you make, please be gentle with yourself and forgive yourself because He has already done that. So despite what it was that you did, give yourself a break and remember to be gentle with yourself in whatever battle you are facing. This life is definitely not an easy one and sometimes it can be really hard. I have people telling me all the time that they are really surprised to see me doing so well with everything that happened this year. From multiple rapes, to losing my father, the decline in my mothers health that ended with the loss of BOTH of her legs, and finally to ending up in treatment for 6 weeks because I was no longer able to keep up the façade that everything was peachy. When I get these kinds of positive messages I thank them for their words but I also will remind them that I haven't always had this resilience or strength be so present in my life. There were days (and there still are days) that it was really really hard and I sometimes made bad decisions in handling those emotions. But once I grasped the concept of gentleness towards myself it got easier. I think we are in such a fast paced society that quick fixes are the norm and so often times we forget that healing and gentleness will take time. I have a process each day. When I start to feel overwhelmed or like I am just going through the motions or if something happens I will check in with myself. I will stop what I am doing, go to my quiet place and just check in and say "hey, this is what we are feeling, what is going on that can contribute and then I say ok God is there anything you are trying to show me?" OR if I am really upset I will stop and say "God, I need you in this moment. I am giving this to you and refuse to go inward. I know you are in my life and in this season so here's where I surrender control". Is it easy? NO WAY. Are there days when I just want to have my temper tantrum/pity party and never leave my room. ABSOLUTELY. But it doesn't solve anything. But I allow myself to be in the moment and have the feelings I have and I don't try to invalidate them. Because feelings are valid. There is a reason God gave us a frontal lobe to deal with emotions. There is a reason for everything. So I allow myself to cry or scream if I need to because I know that is my body's natural reaction to a stressor (within reason Im not saying go out and key a car because your mind says you are P-d off). But I choose to not stay in that moment forever.
Another part of being gentle with yourself is this lovely thing called self care. (I fought this for a long time). Self care is knowing your limits and boundaries and doing what is best for YOU. Yep
Y. O. U. Not your neighbor, not your mom, your uncle or grandmother from the other side of the family that never ever calls but all of a sudden needs you or she will just vanish from the face of the earth. Yourself. If that means that you need to just take an hour to be by yourself soaking in a hot bath listening to rock music then do it. If that means that you need to go to more meetings at church or join a support group then that's your plan OR if that means that you need to ask for help professionally (even if its at a hospital) because you just don't know where to go anymore then please do. Self care and taking care of you is by far one of the most UNselfish things you could do. ( I don't care what anyone else tells you!!!!) Some people may not understand that or agree with me but it is the highest of highest of truths (counselor and scientist approved- I will link it below!). Because in reality if you don't take care of you, you cannot be there for others.
REMEMBER THIS: Being gentle with yourself needs to be a shiny tool in your toolbox and treating yourself with respect and kindness can never hurt.
Taking care of yourself with positive self care is essential (Ive included an AMAZING link below)
http://gentlelivingonline.com/self-growth/25-self-care-tips-for-the-body-soul/
This link is great with some self care stress reducers and I will say that #1 - progressive relaxation- is definitely a favorite of mine! It sounds silly but it is actually wonderful!!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/17/reduce-stress-research_n_2884876.html
Final thought: Being gentle with ourselves wont always be easy, but it makes life much more enjoyable. So when you begin to find yourself stressed out, I encourage you to find at least 3 positive things to say to yourself (OUT LOUD!!!!) ...even if your voice is shaking.
Always,
Megan Cheri'
So back to being gentle with ourselves. God knew when he created us that we were going to make mistakes and that we would slip up and fall and he still chose to not have us be perfect and I think that is what is beautiful about our story and lives. The fact that he never called us to live in perfection but yet we are given so much grace. He knew from Adam that we would be humans who sinned and would be flawed with our own issues. Which is why I encourage you that whatever you do, whatever slip up you make, please be gentle with yourself and forgive yourself because He has already done that. So despite what it was that you did, give yourself a break and remember to be gentle with yourself in whatever battle you are facing. This life is definitely not an easy one and sometimes it can be really hard. I have people telling me all the time that they are really surprised to see me doing so well with everything that happened this year. From multiple rapes, to losing my father, the decline in my mothers health that ended with the loss of BOTH of her legs, and finally to ending up in treatment for 6 weeks because I was no longer able to keep up the façade that everything was peachy. When I get these kinds of positive messages I thank them for their words but I also will remind them that I haven't always had this resilience or strength be so present in my life. There were days (and there still are days) that it was really really hard and I sometimes made bad decisions in handling those emotions. But once I grasped the concept of gentleness towards myself it got easier. I think we are in such a fast paced society that quick fixes are the norm and so often times we forget that healing and gentleness will take time. I have a process each day. When I start to feel overwhelmed or like I am just going through the motions or if something happens I will check in with myself. I will stop what I am doing, go to my quiet place and just check in and say "hey, this is what we are feeling, what is going on that can contribute and then I say ok God is there anything you are trying to show me?" OR if I am really upset I will stop and say "God, I need you in this moment. I am giving this to you and refuse to go inward. I know you are in my life and in this season so here's where I surrender control". Is it easy? NO WAY. Are there days when I just want to have my temper tantrum/pity party and never leave my room. ABSOLUTELY. But it doesn't solve anything. But I allow myself to be in the moment and have the feelings I have and I don't try to invalidate them. Because feelings are valid. There is a reason God gave us a frontal lobe to deal with emotions. There is a reason for everything. So I allow myself to cry or scream if I need to because I know that is my body's natural reaction to a stressor (within reason Im not saying go out and key a car because your mind says you are P-d off). But I choose to not stay in that moment forever.
Another part of being gentle with yourself is this lovely thing called self care. (I fought this for a long time). Self care is knowing your limits and boundaries and doing what is best for YOU. Yep
Y. O. U. Not your neighbor, not your mom, your uncle or grandmother from the other side of the family that never ever calls but all of a sudden needs you or she will just vanish from the face of the earth. Yourself. If that means that you need to just take an hour to be by yourself soaking in a hot bath listening to rock music then do it. If that means that you need to go to more meetings at church or join a support group then that's your plan OR if that means that you need to ask for help professionally (even if its at a hospital) because you just don't know where to go anymore then please do. Self care and taking care of you is by far one of the most UNselfish things you could do. ( I don't care what anyone else tells you!!!!) Some people may not understand that or agree with me but it is the highest of highest of truths (counselor and scientist approved- I will link it below!). Because in reality if you don't take care of you, you cannot be there for others.
REMEMBER THIS: Being gentle with yourself needs to be a shiny tool in your toolbox and treating yourself with respect and kindness can never hurt.
Taking care of yourself with positive self care is essential (Ive included an AMAZING link below)
http://gentlelivingonline.com/self-growth/25-self-care-tips-for-the-body-soul/
This link is great with some self care stress reducers and I will say that #1 - progressive relaxation- is definitely a favorite of mine! It sounds silly but it is actually wonderful!!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/17/reduce-stress-research_n_2884876.html
Final thought: Being gentle with ourselves wont always be easy, but it makes life much more enjoyable. So when you begin to find yourself stressed out, I encourage you to find at least 3 positive things to say to yourself (OUT LOUD!!!!) ...even if your voice is shaking.
Always,
Megan Cheri'
Friday, May 22, 2015
Finding strength in unfamiliar places (just another piece of my story)
So it is no secret that I am a complete music addict. I love music and its not just because I was a dancer, and surprisingly I do NOT choreograph to every single song I hear on the radio (just 3/4 of them! lol) I often time find a lot of inspiration from the words of others. I find hope and solace in many different genres of music. Secular, Christian,country, you name it. I feel that it is in this area that God often speaks to me because he knows that this is one place that he can get to me on a deeper level of communication because he knows I am drawn in and completely listening (he is good like that). Now I will be the first to admit to you that I often find it to be a struggle to hear God and that I will many times say that he doesn't speak to me. That I have learned is not a true statement, only that he speaks to me in different ways than he does with others. SO, that brings me to the point of this blog post.
As I was listening to my Pandora the other morning (in my ritualistic musical state) a song by Kelly Clarkson came on. Its a song called Sober. I remember listening to this song in high school and it had some really powerful words to it. When you listen to the whole song there's a line that says "3 months, and I'm still sober"... That struck a major cord in my heart and prompted me to really think on some things that have happened and what sober could mean.
One line. 2 words. God had my heart again.... the words "3 months..." struck that cord and I knew where my next post had to go.
The truth and backstory of this prompted thinking comes from an event that happened a little over 3 months ago. I had a horrible event happen to me that I feel has really has shaped the path to where I am going to day. I say going because its a process of healing an odyssey that I am still embarked on. What I am about to say I do not say lightly. In February, I was sexually assaulted in my home. It was an event that shook my core, everything in my being, and though it wasn't the first time this has happened. This was the first time that I decided enough was enough and to report it. I do not need to go into the details but the whole process is traumatizing. Retelling the event to police, reliving every detail and moment so they can take a statement. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I remember days later regretting calling the police as soon as I did it because now this issue that I had been hiding from for a while wouldn't go away. I had taken the necessary steps to find this guy and get him off the streets so why did I feel so awful. The day after the assault I remember feeling numb and turning to self harm to try and find some control and feeling. While this is an issue I have struggled with for about 8 years, this time was worse than I had ever been before but for some reason every inch of me didn't care. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I was ignoring my friends and family. 3 days later ( I remember it because it was Valentines Day) I had become so numb that I honesty had no will or care if I lived or died. I took stupid chances and was gambling with fate. I started drinking, took various and excessive amounts of different pills, and curled myself up on the couch with my fathers urn and some sad music. I had ignored my friends texts the entire day, took myself off Facebook, and just stopped responding. But I have AMAZING friends who know better than to leave me alone. They came knocking on my door and much to my pleading for them to leave, they let themselves in (because I had given them keys to my house; a choice at the moment I regretted but am now thankful for). Realizing that I was in a bad shape and out of immense concern they called 911 (which at the time I expressed deeply how much I hated them for) but as much as I begged and pleaded for them to not do it and tell them how much I hated them they assured me that they didn't care. They were doing this because they loved me (something I am very thankful for now). I felt out of control again. The next 4-6 hours were spent in an array of places. Ambulance, ER department then to the Psychiatric ER department (also known as the 10th floor of JPS). I kept telling myself I didn't belong there. This was for people with problems and I was NOT one of those people. What I did not realize at the time was that people go there for a variety of reasons and it was there to keep me safe. I was fortunate to be stable enough to be able to sit in the lobby with my friends away from locked doors and still with a small sense of freedom. They assured me they were not going to leave me and that they really did care. It was decided at the end of the night that I was ok to go home but it was with high recommendation that I go to JPS partial hospitalization or Intensive outpatient program. I brushed it off and said I would look into it but really I had no plans whatsoever to follow through. All I knew was that I wanted to walk out those doors with my freedom and I would have said anything to assure that would happen.
This all went down on a Saturday and by Monday morning, as I was back in my school routine, I got a call from the program asking if I was coming. I tried to find every excuse as to why I couldn't but they said I should at least come in for an intake anyway. This is where my healing story began.
Here's where I start to incorporate the song starting with the title. "Sober" is something a lot of people associate with drunkenness. But honestly if we think about it sobriety can deal with many things and is not limited to drugs and alcohol. By definition sober is the absence of drunkenness. Sobriety in this context is focused on freedom from self destruction, freedom from shutting out those who love me, freedom from hurting myself and freedom from the destructive thought patterns I frequently engaged in. Sobriety is not allowing myself to shut down. It is focusing on recovery and remaining hopeful.
"I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me"
This is completely how I felt. It wasn't real that I needed help until all of this occurred. It wasn't until I was sitting on the 10th floor just shy of being committed that I realized that I finally needed give up the façade that I was ok and quit pretending that I was all together. I had to reach this place of rock bottom to realize that I could no longer make it to the top on my own and that I needed help that was beyond the amazing support my friends could give me (while they were awesome at standing by me through all of this, even they knew that this was beyond them). So I went to the intake for the Intensive Outpatient Program. I remember walking in the room and feeling like I wanted to disappear. I couldn't believe that I had reached this point.
So there I went with all my fears weighing on me just like the song said. For lengths sake, I will say this. The IOP was a 2 week program. I started with the intention of doing my 2 weeks and getting the heck out of dodge. God had other plans. I stayed for 6 (COUNT THEM 123456) 6 weeks! triple the time I had originally intended. For some reason I look back on this and laugh.
"I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing I wanna get it right
No comparing
Second guessing
No, not this time"
Those 6 weeks were the hardest, rawest, most honest times that I have ever had to be with myself. I tried to be invisible but they wouldn't let me. I met amazing people, learned amazing lessons, and found my true calling. I found the beginning of who I am (though I'm still working on that today). When I was in treatment it was as if all of time stood still and I never wanted to leave or for time to resume. I wanted to stay in that moment of healing and encouragement forever. But as my time came to a close, I was asked by the psych techs to write out my recovery story and on graduation day to present that story to the group ( I was the first to do this ever as they were trying to implement new things). I felt honored. I felt scared. For the first time in a long time I felt perfectly OK! So all went as it was supposed to and tears were shed, certificates given and a sense of accomplishment and healing began. The end of that road came and the beginning of a new one was beginning. I learned a lot in treatment and the daily motion of life was that I had to continue with what I learned.
Flash forward to now. 3 months later from that initial date of breakdown. There have been good moments and there have been hard ones. But the amount of love and support I have received from family and friends has been HUGE. I got support from my Professors at school (who allowed me a week off to even be in treatment) and who told me that if I needed to talk they were there. I began counseling at my schools center so that I could remain focused on my recovery goals.
I hope this was ok. I am learning to be open. I am learning that vulnerability isn't always a bad thing. I am sharing my story because I know that one day it will help someone else in the same situation.
If you need help ask for it. Do not shut out those who care deeply about you. Know that you are worthy and deserving of every bit of help that you need.
I've posted the link to the song below because it is deeply inspiring to me. Some may be deterred by the title, but I encourage you all to find meaning BEYOND titles. Look deeper. and remember recovery is possible and help is out there and YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!
Kelly Clarkson "Sober"
https://youtu.be/FoodthPrVNc
As I was listening to my Pandora the other morning (in my ritualistic musical state) a song by Kelly Clarkson came on. Its a song called Sober. I remember listening to this song in high school and it had some really powerful words to it. When you listen to the whole song there's a line that says "3 months, and I'm still sober"... That struck a major cord in my heart and prompted me to really think on some things that have happened and what sober could mean.
One line. 2 words. God had my heart again.... the words "3 months..." struck that cord and I knew where my next post had to go.
The truth and backstory of this prompted thinking comes from an event that happened a little over 3 months ago. I had a horrible event happen to me that I feel has really has shaped the path to where I am going to day. I say going because its a process of healing an odyssey that I am still embarked on. What I am about to say I do not say lightly. In February, I was sexually assaulted in my home. It was an event that shook my core, everything in my being, and though it wasn't the first time this has happened. This was the first time that I decided enough was enough and to report it. I do not need to go into the details but the whole process is traumatizing. Retelling the event to police, reliving every detail and moment so they can take a statement. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I remember days later regretting calling the police as soon as I did it because now this issue that I had been hiding from for a while wouldn't go away. I had taken the necessary steps to find this guy and get him off the streets so why did I feel so awful. The day after the assault I remember feeling numb and turning to self harm to try and find some control and feeling. While this is an issue I have struggled with for about 8 years, this time was worse than I had ever been before but for some reason every inch of me didn't care. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I was ignoring my friends and family. 3 days later ( I remember it because it was Valentines Day) I had become so numb that I honesty had no will or care if I lived or died. I took stupid chances and was gambling with fate. I started drinking, took various and excessive amounts of different pills, and curled myself up on the couch with my fathers urn and some sad music. I had ignored my friends texts the entire day, took myself off Facebook, and just stopped responding. But I have AMAZING friends who know better than to leave me alone. They came knocking on my door and much to my pleading for them to leave, they let themselves in (because I had given them keys to my house; a choice at the moment I regretted but am now thankful for). Realizing that I was in a bad shape and out of immense concern they called 911 (which at the time I expressed deeply how much I hated them for) but as much as I begged and pleaded for them to not do it and tell them how much I hated them they assured me that they didn't care. They were doing this because they loved me (something I am very thankful for now). I felt out of control again. The next 4-6 hours were spent in an array of places. Ambulance, ER department then to the Psychiatric ER department (also known as the 10th floor of JPS). I kept telling myself I didn't belong there. This was for people with problems and I was NOT one of those people. What I did not realize at the time was that people go there for a variety of reasons and it was there to keep me safe. I was fortunate to be stable enough to be able to sit in the lobby with my friends away from locked doors and still with a small sense of freedom. They assured me they were not going to leave me and that they really did care. It was decided at the end of the night that I was ok to go home but it was with high recommendation that I go to JPS partial hospitalization or Intensive outpatient program. I brushed it off and said I would look into it but really I had no plans whatsoever to follow through. All I knew was that I wanted to walk out those doors with my freedom and I would have said anything to assure that would happen.
This all went down on a Saturday and by Monday morning, as I was back in my school routine, I got a call from the program asking if I was coming. I tried to find every excuse as to why I couldn't but they said I should at least come in for an intake anyway. This is where my healing story began.
Here's where I start to incorporate the song starting with the title. "Sober" is something a lot of people associate with drunkenness. But honestly if we think about it sobriety can deal with many things and is not limited to drugs and alcohol. By definition sober is the absence of drunkenness. Sobriety in this context is focused on freedom from self destruction, freedom from shutting out those who love me, freedom from hurting myself and freedom from the destructive thought patterns I frequently engaged in. Sobriety is not allowing myself to shut down. It is focusing on recovery and remaining hopeful.
"I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me"
This is completely how I felt. It wasn't real that I needed help until all of this occurred. It wasn't until I was sitting on the 10th floor just shy of being committed that I realized that I finally needed give up the façade that I was ok and quit pretending that I was all together. I had to reach this place of rock bottom to realize that I could no longer make it to the top on my own and that I needed help that was beyond the amazing support my friends could give me (while they were awesome at standing by me through all of this, even they knew that this was beyond them). So I went to the intake for the Intensive Outpatient Program. I remember walking in the room and feeling like I wanted to disappear. I couldn't believe that I had reached this point.
So there I went with all my fears weighing on me just like the song said. For lengths sake, I will say this. The IOP was a 2 week program. I started with the intention of doing my 2 weeks and getting the heck out of dodge. God had other plans. I stayed for 6 (COUNT THEM 123456) 6 weeks! triple the time I had originally intended. For some reason I look back on this and laugh.
"I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing I wanna get it right
No comparing
Second guessing
No, not this time"
Those 6 weeks were the hardest, rawest, most honest times that I have ever had to be with myself. I tried to be invisible but they wouldn't let me. I met amazing people, learned amazing lessons, and found my true calling. I found the beginning of who I am (though I'm still working on that today). When I was in treatment it was as if all of time stood still and I never wanted to leave or for time to resume. I wanted to stay in that moment of healing and encouragement forever. But as my time came to a close, I was asked by the psych techs to write out my recovery story and on graduation day to present that story to the group ( I was the first to do this ever as they were trying to implement new things). I felt honored. I felt scared. For the first time in a long time I felt perfectly OK! So all went as it was supposed to and tears were shed, certificates given and a sense of accomplishment and healing began. The end of that road came and the beginning of a new one was beginning. I learned a lot in treatment and the daily motion of life was that I had to continue with what I learned.
Flash forward to now. 3 months later from that initial date of breakdown. There have been good moments and there have been hard ones. But the amount of love and support I have received from family and friends has been HUGE. I got support from my Professors at school (who allowed me a week off to even be in treatment) and who told me that if I needed to talk they were there. I began counseling at my schools center so that I could remain focused on my recovery goals.
"Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no
Wake up
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am"
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am"
Yes it has been 3 months and I am still standing here and honestly I am getting better. I love the last part that says "and I still am".
I am still here and I am still breathing. THANK GOD! I owe many thanks to my friends who refused to let me sink and just let go. Who would go to whatever lengths to make sure I was safe. They kept me afloat until they could get me to the shore. I am blessed. I owe thanks to my pastor and other church member who accompanied me to the hospital and provided me a place to stay the night after. Who assured me that I was safe and that didn't make me face it all alone. I owe many thanks. To my best friends Candace and Kristina for doing what they had to so that I could still be here today. My two buoys who kept me afloat in an ocean that I was slowly drowning in! Thank you to the others who have stood beside me from my sister to my mother (when I let them in). Thanks to my counselors, the social worker and techs and nurses at the IOP/PHPprogram. I owe many thanks and have much gratitude for all I've learned and for the skills been given.
"Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers"
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers"
I hope this was ok. I am learning to be open. I am learning that vulnerability isn't always a bad thing. I am sharing my story because I know that one day it will help someone else in the same situation.
If you need help ask for it. Do not shut out those who care deeply about you. Know that you are worthy and deserving of every bit of help that you need.
I've posted the link to the song below because it is deeply inspiring to me. Some may be deterred by the title, but I encourage you all to find meaning BEYOND titles. Look deeper. and remember recovery is possible and help is out there and YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!
Kelly Clarkson "Sober"
https://youtu.be/FoodthPrVNc
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Its been a while but I still have things to say...
So its been a while since I've posted (almost a month) and while I'd like to say that its due to being busy with school or some other awesome reason but that would be a lie. While it is true that school kept me busy and finals came and went, I stopped writing because I've been battling a lot with my depression and honestly for a while lost the desire to even attempt to admit that I have words in my brain dying to escape me. I have gone back and forth on whether or not to tell my story. After all I was raised knowing that sometimes things don't need to be broadcast to the world. But I feel deep down in my heart that my story is important and that it has the ability to impact others and maybe bring some hope into someone's life. While I wont delve into everything right now, I think I'll at least get started.
So it's no secret that I struggle with depression. I was diagnosed in 2010 but really looking back its been going on for quite some time, at least through high school. But back then I had no idea why I felt sad all the time. This led to internalizing a lot of feelings and becoming very self destructive. I began to engage in self harm which was my way of staying in control and what led to me finally seeking help for it was one Sunday after church when I had a complete meltdown and did not know my purpose any more. I felt numb and completely down. I had entered full blown self destruct mode and I didn't care to come out of it. Fortunately I have an amazing group of friends who surrounded me in that time and made my pastors aware and they prayed for me and I sought help for feelings that even I didn't understand. It has been a crazy 5 years of trying different meds and doses and some judgment from some who didn't really understand depression that didn't understand why I was on medication. Thus started the debate of "having enough faith to will it away". This was hard for me. I was still secretly self harming and trying to control the chaos that was my brain (For a long time I was very ashamed about this part of my story but I've learned its just a stepping stone to the path of where I am today). What began as an attempt to control the numbness in my life soon became a full fledged addiction. This cycle continued until about 3 months ago (Ill save that topic for tomorrow!!!!!)
I am a firm believer that whatever we face, God can turn it around for us to use somehow. Whether it is to help ourselves learn something or to be able to help others, He will use it somehow. See for a long time I did not understand that. I didn't realize that God was there for us in good and bad. I always assumed that when good things happened he would be there for us but totally voided him through the bad. Which is not the case at all. As much as I get in a slump of depression sometimes, somehow God always manages to meet me on my level, however low that may be.
Deuteronomy 31:6 says that "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” I don't think that verse discriminates and means that He will never leave us or forsake us AS LONG AS we do everything that's right and never sin. No, it says he will NEVER leave us or forsake us. There is no fine print in there with terms and conditions. We do not have to perform in any way for God to be there for us or to meet us in our down times. Our debt, anything that we do, has already been paid in full by his son who died for us and all that we could ever or will ever do while here on earth. That is so beautiful to me. Oh what honor to know that someone would do that for us even knowing what sins we would commit.
So what does this mean for me? It means that no matter what I get myself into, no matter how much I try, I cannot hide from God because of the promise that he will never leave me. No matter what kind of mood, no matter what I do, no matter how much I push away, he is always going to be there.
So what does this mean for you?? Everything I mentioned above. Plus the reminder that there is always hope!
Because along the way that's what everyone has reminded me along my way. No matter what you are facing, no matter how bleak it seems. There is always hope.
" Be comforted, dear soul! There is always light behind the clouds." -Louisa May Alcott-
So no matter how hard life seems, no matter what you are facing, no matter what your own addictions were or are or will be; Never, ever, ever forget that God hears you when you cry... even if your voice is shaking.
So it's no secret that I struggle with depression. I was diagnosed in 2010 but really looking back its been going on for quite some time, at least through high school. But back then I had no idea why I felt sad all the time. This led to internalizing a lot of feelings and becoming very self destructive. I began to engage in self harm which was my way of staying in control and what led to me finally seeking help for it was one Sunday after church when I had a complete meltdown and did not know my purpose any more. I felt numb and completely down. I had entered full blown self destruct mode and I didn't care to come out of it. Fortunately I have an amazing group of friends who surrounded me in that time and made my pastors aware and they prayed for me and I sought help for feelings that even I didn't understand. It has been a crazy 5 years of trying different meds and doses and some judgment from some who didn't really understand depression that didn't understand why I was on medication. Thus started the debate of "having enough faith to will it away". This was hard for me. I was still secretly self harming and trying to control the chaos that was my brain (For a long time I was very ashamed about this part of my story but I've learned its just a stepping stone to the path of where I am today). What began as an attempt to control the numbness in my life soon became a full fledged addiction. This cycle continued until about 3 months ago (Ill save that topic for tomorrow!!!!!)
I am a firm believer that whatever we face, God can turn it around for us to use somehow. Whether it is to help ourselves learn something or to be able to help others, He will use it somehow. See for a long time I did not understand that. I didn't realize that God was there for us in good and bad. I always assumed that when good things happened he would be there for us but totally voided him through the bad. Which is not the case at all. As much as I get in a slump of depression sometimes, somehow God always manages to meet me on my level, however low that may be.
Deuteronomy 31:6 says that "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” I don't think that verse discriminates and means that He will never leave us or forsake us AS LONG AS we do everything that's right and never sin. No, it says he will NEVER leave us or forsake us. There is no fine print in there with terms and conditions. We do not have to perform in any way for God to be there for us or to meet us in our down times. Our debt, anything that we do, has already been paid in full by his son who died for us and all that we could ever or will ever do while here on earth. That is so beautiful to me. Oh what honor to know that someone would do that for us even knowing what sins we would commit.
So what does this mean for me? It means that no matter what I get myself into, no matter how much I try, I cannot hide from God because of the promise that he will never leave me. No matter what kind of mood, no matter what I do, no matter how much I push away, he is always going to be there.
So what does this mean for you?? Everything I mentioned above. Plus the reminder that there is always hope!
Because along the way that's what everyone has reminded me along my way. No matter what you are facing, no matter how bleak it seems. There is always hope.
" Be comforted, dear soul! There is always light behind the clouds." -Louisa May Alcott-
So no matter how hard life seems, no matter what you are facing, no matter what your own addictions were or are or will be; Never, ever, ever forget that God hears you when you cry... even if your voice is shaking.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Routines, Guest Speakers, and Amazing Revelations
April 16 2015
So I regularly attend this college group/bible study group on Thursday evenings. Life has been so crazy lately with school and working on my mental health that Ill admit I put it off for 3 weeks. Each Thursday when it would roll around I had an excuse as to why I couldn't go.. I was "too tired" or "had a lot of assignments due". But the truth behind it realistically is that I think I've been doing a bit of running from God. I think there's a part of me that is still holding onto a lot of pride and I wanted to do everything myself. I wanted the control and didn't want to have to put forth the effort to let Him have it. Besides, I didn't NEED God to handle my problems. I didn't NEED Him to fix me, I was capable on my own. Or was I? I put Him on my backburner with the idea that I could handle everything on my own and made a lot of other things priority over Him. But the last few weeks have been challenging. I've been faced with stress that has been met with blessing. My car broke down, and someone came and fixed it. I didn't have money for gas for school, and yet again, someone blessed me with that. Then today, my mom and I got news of a financial blessing that we had been waiting for since she became sick. So DESPITE all of my pushing and thinking that I was in control, GOD WAS STILL THERE THE ENTIRE TIME. Taking care of me. As he promised.
“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” – Phil 4:19
He will meet all our needs. Regardless of whether or not we are asking him. Though we all know about the scripture that says "ask and it will be given to you", He will continue to do what is right for us. See the lesson I am learning is that God will always be there for us, even in the times when we don't always ask him to be. I've done a lot of running recently and it hasn't all been bad. I've run from a problem and ignored it and then had friends who were there to make sure I got the help I needed to be. I've run to mental health and am running from the bad habits I started years ago. I've run straight into treatment and counseling and away from the old ways I used to deal with my emotions. I've run into the arms of loving friends and family when nothing was going right and all I could do was cry and tears wouldn't stop coming. So God knew all along what I needed, and he also knew that while I may have been attempting to run away from Him, he knew that I would be back. Which brings me back to tonight, at Fuse (bible study/college group).
Tonight after receiving great news from my mother I decided that God was working for us and that it was time to get back to where He wanted me. So when I arrived it felt like going home at Christmas. Being back with friends who were like family and just getting hugs and catching up, my heart was happy. We had a guest speaker whom I have never met but bad heard good things about. At the end of the night He gave opportunity for those who wanted to be filled with the holy spirit to come up. I hesitated at first but there was a deep feeling in my gut that told me to go up.So I did. As I stood and waited in line as people were getting filled and being told great things, I questioned in my mind if going to the front was the right decision. I told myself things like "maybe I am not qualified for this, maybe I should go sit down". But my feet literally would not move. As much as I wanted to turn back, something kept me up there. When he came to me he prayed over me and said to me that I had spent many nights in the fetal position crying and that my emotions were great. and that God wanted to take that away. (He even got a vision and was able to tell me that my bed was full sized and that I would lay on the left side facing the wall) Crazy right!!! (Keep in mind I HAVE NEVER MET THIS MAN!!). That is when I knew God was real again in a sense. He told me that God saw me and that he was taking away the emotional pain I had been feeling. It was if a weight had been lifted. I began to cry and I felt for the first time in a while. He told me that he saw me writing and that I would write a book and that my penmanship would be changing and that people would know me and I would help them as well. We broke off any form of depression and stated that I would wake up with a new look each day.
With everything he knew about all he said to me is how I KNOW deep down that IT WAS GOD! The funny thing is that the speaker did not know that 2 days prior to his word over me tonight, I started this blog ( The speaker said to me this evening that I start writing, so I'm 2 days ahead). Also, the fact that it has been an extremely emotional week that I had spent crying in my bed, just as he described. God has been working all these times. It makes me so excited. I wasn't as invisible as I was trying to make myself be.
Another really cool confirmation that happened tonight was at the end I went up to speak with the speaker to thank him and to tell him that I had already started writing. He thought it was awesome and then he asked what I was in school for and when I told him Social Work he seemed intrigued. He asked exactly what population or area I was interested in working with. When I mentioned to him that I was leaning toward the clinical side and working with Mental Illness, he looked at me. He told me that he had heard that but didn't say it out loud. Yet another confirmation that I AM WHERE IM SUPPOSED TO BE. and WHERE GOD WANTS ME TO BE.
There is a sense of clarity in my brain that has not been there in a while. There is a sense of renewed hope deep down in my soul that has felt lost and dormant for a while. There is a feeling of purpose within me yet again that makes me want to push myself harder in my academic studies.
I am very excited on embarking on this next chapter of my life. I am celebrating that each time something is met, there is room for something else to bloom. I celebrate the fact that GOD HAS GOT ME! Even when I often feel that he doesn't see me.
Let me be very clear about something: GOD SEES ME. GOD SEES YOU. GOD LOVES YOU AND HAS A PLAN FOR YOU! As much as we try to hide from Him, his destiny for you remains stable.
I will leave you with this: Seek him out and don't be afraid to tell him what you need. He hears you, even if your voice is shaking..
-Megan-
So I regularly attend this college group/bible study group on Thursday evenings. Life has been so crazy lately with school and working on my mental health that Ill admit I put it off for 3 weeks. Each Thursday when it would roll around I had an excuse as to why I couldn't go.. I was "too tired" or "had a lot of assignments due". But the truth behind it realistically is that I think I've been doing a bit of running from God. I think there's a part of me that is still holding onto a lot of pride and I wanted to do everything myself. I wanted the control and didn't want to have to put forth the effort to let Him have it. Besides, I didn't NEED God to handle my problems. I didn't NEED Him to fix me, I was capable on my own. Or was I? I put Him on my backburner with the idea that I could handle everything on my own and made a lot of other things priority over Him. But the last few weeks have been challenging. I've been faced with stress that has been met with blessing. My car broke down, and someone came and fixed it. I didn't have money for gas for school, and yet again, someone blessed me with that. Then today, my mom and I got news of a financial blessing that we had been waiting for since she became sick. So DESPITE all of my pushing and thinking that I was in control, GOD WAS STILL THERE THE ENTIRE TIME. Taking care of me. As he promised.
“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” – Phil 4:19
He will meet all our needs. Regardless of whether or not we are asking him. Though we all know about the scripture that says "ask and it will be given to you", He will continue to do what is right for us. See the lesson I am learning is that God will always be there for us, even in the times when we don't always ask him to be. I've done a lot of running recently and it hasn't all been bad. I've run from a problem and ignored it and then had friends who were there to make sure I got the help I needed to be. I've run to mental health and am running from the bad habits I started years ago. I've run straight into treatment and counseling and away from the old ways I used to deal with my emotions. I've run into the arms of loving friends and family when nothing was going right and all I could do was cry and tears wouldn't stop coming. So God knew all along what I needed, and he also knew that while I may have been attempting to run away from Him, he knew that I would be back. Which brings me back to tonight, at Fuse (bible study/college group).
Tonight after receiving great news from my mother I decided that God was working for us and that it was time to get back to where He wanted me. So when I arrived it felt like going home at Christmas. Being back with friends who were like family and just getting hugs and catching up, my heart was happy. We had a guest speaker whom I have never met but bad heard good things about. At the end of the night He gave opportunity for those who wanted to be filled with the holy spirit to come up. I hesitated at first but there was a deep feeling in my gut that told me to go up.So I did. As I stood and waited in line as people were getting filled and being told great things, I questioned in my mind if going to the front was the right decision. I told myself things like "maybe I am not qualified for this, maybe I should go sit down". But my feet literally would not move. As much as I wanted to turn back, something kept me up there. When he came to me he prayed over me and said to me that I had spent many nights in the fetal position crying and that my emotions were great. and that God wanted to take that away. (He even got a vision and was able to tell me that my bed was full sized and that I would lay on the left side facing the wall) Crazy right!!! (Keep in mind I HAVE NEVER MET THIS MAN!!). That is when I knew God was real again in a sense. He told me that God saw me and that he was taking away the emotional pain I had been feeling. It was if a weight had been lifted. I began to cry and I felt for the first time in a while. He told me that he saw me writing and that I would write a book and that my penmanship would be changing and that people would know me and I would help them as well. We broke off any form of depression and stated that I would wake up with a new look each day.
With everything he knew about all he said to me is how I KNOW deep down that IT WAS GOD! The funny thing is that the speaker did not know that 2 days prior to his word over me tonight, I started this blog ( The speaker said to me this evening that I start writing, so I'm 2 days ahead). Also, the fact that it has been an extremely emotional week that I had spent crying in my bed, just as he described. God has been working all these times. It makes me so excited. I wasn't as invisible as I was trying to make myself be.
Another really cool confirmation that happened tonight was at the end I went up to speak with the speaker to thank him and to tell him that I had already started writing. He thought it was awesome and then he asked what I was in school for and when I told him Social Work he seemed intrigued. He asked exactly what population or area I was interested in working with. When I mentioned to him that I was leaning toward the clinical side and working with Mental Illness, he looked at me. He told me that he had heard that but didn't say it out loud. Yet another confirmation that I AM WHERE IM SUPPOSED TO BE. and WHERE GOD WANTS ME TO BE.
There is a sense of clarity in my brain that has not been there in a while. There is a sense of renewed hope deep down in my soul that has felt lost and dormant for a while. There is a feeling of purpose within me yet again that makes me want to push myself harder in my academic studies.
I am very excited on embarking on this next chapter of my life. I am celebrating that each time something is met, there is room for something else to bloom. I celebrate the fact that GOD HAS GOT ME! Even when I often feel that he doesn't see me.
Let me be very clear about something: GOD SEES ME. GOD SEES YOU. GOD LOVES YOU AND HAS A PLAN FOR YOU! As much as we try to hide from Him, his destiny for you remains stable.
I will leave you with this: Seek him out and don't be afraid to tell him what you need. He hears you, even if your voice is shaking..
-Megan-
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
fun facts!!
This has been an incredibly busy day. It is end of semester and it seems like everything is running together. As I sat here trying to think of what this second post should entail, I was conflicted with where to begin. I want to share my story with you all but I don't just want to jump right into that. Instead this post is dedicated to getting to know me more.
Here are some random facts about me:
• First and foremost my faith is VERY VERY IMPORTANT TO ME!! ( I love going to church)
• I was born on Super bowl Sunday (Super bowl XXV to be exact!)
• I have a ridiculously high love for things that are glittery and shiny
•I am VERY easily distracted. (NO DISRESPECT BUT.....I always joke that I have ADD, I'm not medically diagnosed but its there.)
•I can be shy and outgoing. (its really confusing deciding if I'm introverted or extroverted or just an outgoing introvert)
•I can be hard headed and stubborn.
•I tend to have a high need for control in most situations (THIS WILL ALL MAKE SENSE LATER)
•I love the smell of oncoming rain and freshly cut grass (Seriously if you could buy these smells, I would stock up!)
•I love going to school and if I could be a professional student I would.
•I am working toward getting my degree in Social Work.
•I have a really large heart and tend to take on others emotions.
•I am a CRAZY CAT LADY!!!
•I have a serious addiction to selfies.....its borderline a problem hahahaha
•I am a survivor of many things (again it will be explained later)
•I lost my father in September of 2014 (this was one of the hardest moments I've ever experienced)
• 99% of my brain is made up of song lyrics Strength based campaigns really inspire me! I am a big follower of TWLOHA and NEDA.
•I have amazing friends who are more like family.
•I have amazing family as well (I am extremely blessed)
One thing that no one really knows about me is that I have a secret love for country music. I have to be in the mood for it but as much as I dog on it, I find it quite enjoyable. (this comes from my mother)
I also love Rock and Roll (this comes from my father)
Anything else just ask me. Tomorrow we get into the good stuff I promise :)
Love,
Megan Cheri'
"about me pic" found @ http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=About+me+pic+for+blog&view=detailv2&&&id=A08486305875DCC3F2FE584AFB79FC7490FBA978&selectedIndex=7&ccid=i8IUf7vf&simid=608019476742081281&thid=JN.5Od9C6fIgauAliChLlfV8Q&ajaxhist
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
What is the purpose of this blog?
Hello all!!!! So I have been saying forever that I was going to start a blog and it just never happened. Life gets busy and things get chaotic and so the things that seem little get put off for days that become months... BUT I am happy now to finally be set up and starting on this! So what is the purpose of this blog? The last 7 months have been one of great trial for me and those who are close to me are very aware of this. But the last 8 weeks have been even crazier! Its been a time of trial and error and tears and laughter. It has been a time of deepest pits and amazing friends that jump in with you to help you out. Its been a time of new beginnings and tough endings. So, through this blog I will try to use my story to not only explain some things but hopefully it will also encourage you that there is hope and inspire you to look deeper in yourself and give yourself credit for what may seem like the small things in life. After all, sometimes the greatest gifts (or revelations) can come in the smallest packages. Look forward to my next post and keep coming back to see what else I have to say.
and remember this: speak up for yourself and what you need....Even if your voice shakes!
With Love,
Megan Cheri'
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